


What About My Pain? (Re-upload)

by Eternalxblossom



Category: Faking It (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-12 01:46:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18001460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eternalxblossom/pseuds/Eternalxblossom
Summary: "I've loved you since before I even knew what love was, but that never once mattered to you, Karma."There she was, putting her heart on the line for the hundredth time. And to think she would've learned her lesson by now.





	1. No More Holding Back

Amy was lying on her bed, absentmindedly watching an episode of House Hunters, her mind a thousand miles away, not focused on the plot in the slightest, too cluttered and conflicted after the recent events. She had crossed the line. She knew that, she realized it the moment it happened. She had broken the cardinal rule of the girl code, like her mother so eloquently put it – she had slept with her best friend's boyfriend in a drunken, angry, broken haze. Why did she do it? She didn't know the answer to that question herself.

Maybe she wanted to see what the big deal about Liam fucking Booker was. Maybe she just meant to drown her sorrow in alcohol and hoped she'd pass out somewhere at the reception, but the universe never did turn the cards around in her favor. Because she had to clash with Liam fucking Booker of all people, just to end the evening right. As if it hadn't been enough of a disaster already.

She's pretty sure she remembers seeing him crying. He looked messed up too, hair tousled and reeking of cheap champagne and heartbreak, just like her.

But his just-been-denied-my-fantasy-lesbian, rich boy struggle was nowhere near hers.

When she kissed him hungrily, she wanted to hurt him, she wanted to make his lips burn. Maybe a twisted part of her wanted to wipe the taste of Karma off his lips, to feel the remains of what she knew she could never have. For him, it was the taste of just another conquest, one he'd deluded himself to believe was a person he knew and grew fond of.

Liam fucking Booker didn't love her best friend. You can't fall in love with someone when you barely graze the surface of their conflicted soul, when you don't know about their biggest fears and insecurities, about their biggest dreams and hopes for the future, when you don't even know the exact day they bought their first Cinderella dress or had their braces removed.

Amy knew the very depths of that soul. She knew Karma like the back of her hand. Yet here comes the irresistible, brooding, rich bad boy, her knight in shining armor, sweeping her off her feet in a flash, Karma's harsh voice still spewing his name obsessively in her ear, as if sleeping with him didn't wound her too.

"Damn it, Amy." – she barged in through her door, guilt tripping her for the hundredth time, her accusatory voice ringing like a broken record in her ears. "How could you do that to me?"

Amy let out an exasperated sigh. Yes, she was a horrible person. Yes, she deserved to be punished. But not this way, not anymore.

After she had just confessed she's been in love with Karma since the moment she was old enough to utter the words, the moment she said "Hi" to that short red-haired girl in the ball pit at kindergarten, after spending hours and hours attempting to make it up to her, so much time that Reagan decided to break up with Amy, feeling second best to Karma, because Amy was no longer able to commit to their relationship, constantly preoccupied and focused on getting Karma to forgive her, after spending the entire school year being the pushover, the underdog, Amy had finally had enough.

She had tried tears, heartfelt speeches, regret, explanations. Maybe it was time to go for sheer anger. She was on the edge of erupting and nothing could have prepared either of them for the verbal lash that was soon to follow.

"Karma, I am done apologizing to you." – Amy said in a low voice, staring at the ground, the finality in her tone enraging Karma. She cut in, instantly.

"Oh, _you_ are done?" – Karma mocked.

"Yes, _I_ am done!" – Amy yelled, the raw pain in her voice momentarily silencing Karma. "I am so done with everything, Karma! I am so done with explaining myself. I am so done with you not even once asking yourself _wha_ _t_ pushed me over the edge, how I must've felt to lose my virginity to a guy I hated, when you kept blabbering about wanting your first time to be special. Well, Karma, some people don't get that. Some people give their all to the one they love and it doesn't fucking amount to anything. Because, to you, I've become that single, horrible mistake and nothing else."

Karma bit her lip, not daring to look into Amy's eyes. If she did, she'd see the picture of a broken girl, the one she was supposed to protect, the one whose heart she should've never received so readily, no questions asked. She wasn't able to protect it. And she was right - Karma never did stop to see things from her perspective. They've always talked about their first time being this special, once-in-a-lifetime moment, with someone they both loved. Amy had lost that. It wasn't fair to either of them. But, against her better judgment, she still let anger get the best of her.

"You betrayed me, Amy!" - Karma hissed in disdain.

"You think I _wante_ d any of this, Karma? You think I _asked_ for this to happen to me? I was perfectly fine before that stupid homecoming kiss that turned my world around. I lied to you and I betrayed you, I have no excuse for any. But our friendship was strained long before this. I'm not the only one at fault here and I'm done biting my tongue." – Amy's hands wrapped swiftly around herself, as her eyes started watering. The words kept on coming, and it was too late to take them back now.

By now, Amy's voice was strained, pain etched onto every word. She hated herself for still finding it hard to breathe when Karma looked at her with those innocent eyes. She was pretty sure sometime in between, Karma took a few steps forward and inched closer to her, because she was suddenly very much aware of her proximity.

"You think I wanted to fall in love with you? You think I didn't try to fight this? It _killed_ me to let go of you on your birthday and you didn't even give a shit. You kept flaunting him in my face. After I confessed how I felt, I was still hurting and you pushed me to move on so quickly, as if you were disgusted by me just so you could get with Liam. I've loved you since before I even knew what love was, but that never once mattered to you, Karma." – Amy uttered hoarsely, her body shaking in despair, voice trembling with every word she forced herself to verbalize.

There she was, putting her heart on the line for the hundredth time. And to think she would've learned her lesson by now. "But the moment I make a drunken mistake, I'm the scum of the earth and everything I did up until that point just vanishes."

Karma's emerald eyes filled with tears. She didn't even know why she was crying anymore. She proceeded to wipe her tears angrily and toss her true feelings aside, fueling her denial for God only knows how long.

"What did you expect, Amy? I couldn't force myself to feel what I didn't." – Karma lied, and immediately regretted her words.

In light of recent events, after Amy's jail speech, after the twisted dreams she's kept on having for nights on end, she had no right to do this. It was a low blow, a lie built on top of a dozen others, and she knew it. She always felt _something._ More than she was ever ready to face or acknowledge.

"I know. I never asked you to." – Amy said, and the resignation showing on her face made Karma feel like someone's knocked all the air out of her lungs on the spot. "But if it had been the other way around, I never would've made you believe I was ashamed of you." - she added, quietly, brokenly and utterly defeated.

"I was never ashamed!" – Karma snapped, a sudden impulse to set the record straight taking over. She never wanted Amy to feel like that, not in a million years.

"I was scared, alright?" – her voice got quieter and more hesitant, lowering in pitch. Her reply surprised both of them.

"You weren't the only one." - Amy bravely held her gaze, but what Karma saw staring back at her was just a hollow reminder of her best friend, an empty, drained look. Out of the two of them, Amy was the brave one, but at this point, she couldn't recognize her.

"This hasn't been easy on me either, Amy.." – Karma eventually confessed, a soft, sympathetic gaze locking with Amy's impossibly blue eyes. "How do you think I felt when I found out? At first, I thought it angered me so much because it was Liam you slept with, but that's not what hurt me the most."

Amy bit her bottom lip hard, waiting for her best friend to continue.

"It hurt me because I felt like you cheated on me – on our friendship, on our stupid, fake relationship that meant more to me than it ever should have. It was supposed to be a fun game, that’s it but it got real. I’m a coward, Amy. I just wanted it to go away because I can't deal with you loving me. It's always been too much. I can't just step off the edge. You, of all people, should know I'm scared of heights."

The blonde's eyes widened in shock in light of her best friend's teary-eyed admission. She felt her chest turn heavy and her heart clench painfully. She had a feeling Karma didn't mean to say what she did, and expected her to take it back any minute.

She didn't.

"What if one day you wake up and change your mind, huh? What then? I'm left with nothing, Amy. You are _everything_ to me. You fucking broke me to pieces and you still are _everything_ to me." – Karma wiped her tears in thunderous rage, despising herself for appearing so weak and vulnerable.

"What are you saying, Karma?" – Amy's quiet, breathless voice came, confusion written all over her face.

"I'm saying I need you. " – Karma whispered, after a long pause. "I'm scared to death of just how much."

Amy didn't even have time to process her best friend's words, when Karma lunged forward, desperately grabbing both sides of the blonde's face, crashing her lips onto hers almost aggressively, like she was trying to prove a point, tears still streaming down her pale face.

Taken aback by the sheer force and anger of her best friend's movements, Amy momentarily backpedaled, losing her balance, but Karma's hands found the back of her neck, pulling her closer. After everything that's happened, her lips still felt like home, she still made her knees tremble and her mind go blank, and Amy hated how much she missed that heavenly sensation, how much she missed _everything_ about her.

Realizing her actions, Karma flinched and clumsily pulled away, as if she had been burned, still dazed and still immersed in _too much_.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that—"

"Karma." – Amy gently interrupted, gazing at her with such encouragement and sheer love and adoration, just like she did at the threesome. Karma didn't even realize how much that look affected her. She's missed it. She missed having someone gaze at her like that. She wondered if that was the way Amy always saw her - as more than she was ever capable of being.

"What if we can't come back from this? What if this is the beginning of the end?" - Karma panicked, shaking her head in despair as her hands started trembling uncontrollably. Tears still wouldn't stop falling down her cheeks and she felt completely exposed before the only person who ever really tore her walls down and saw her for everything that she was.

Feeling a sudden rush of confidence, Amy grabbed her best friend's wrists, holding her in place and hopefully keeping her from running away, at least for the moment.

"I'm scared to death too." – Amy confessed in a hushed whisper, her hesitant admission in sharp contrast to her previous self-assured visage.

She took another step forward, cautiously, her eyes locking with her best friend's fearful green orbs. It was a quiet, unspoken reassurance, but one Karma desperately needed.

"But you're not alone. You've never been."

Amy took the lead this time, pouring all the love for the conflicted girl before her that she's saved and nurtured for years in each movement of her lips. All the feelings she's kept bottled up inside of her that she's been forced to repress lingered in that kiss– it was slow, tender, hesitant, but filled with promises of forever they both so desperately wanted to keep. There were no guarantees, but Amy has never been so sure of anything in her entire life.

And, just maybe, Karma was finally beginning to see the light too, judging by the way she was holding on to her best friend's frame, sighing when their lips met and moving hers with a lot more urgency and passion than she's expected.

Maybe all of this time she really was clueless to what she wanted all along. Because it never felt like this with Liam, not even once. This was liberating.

When she felt Karma's tears soak up her own cheeks, she couldn't help but pull her closer on instinct, like she had done so many times before when they were little – she wanted to drive away all of her fears and keep her safe, like she was a precious gift, too fragile for an overbearing world. She wanted to show her that she's always been enough - and so much more.

Amy pulled away slightly, just enough to catch Karma's dazzled look and whisper four perfect words in her ear, quiet enough for only her to hear.

"Do you trust me?"

Karma nodded softy, and Amy's hands found her waist again, pulling her in a comforting embrace. Karma placed her head on her best friend's shoulder and allowed Amy to hold her, the steady beat of their hearts bringing the much needed truth and hope they so desperately craved.

It wasn't going to be an easy journey. But it was one they were both finally ready to take. Together.


	2. The Start Of Something New

Karma's sobs eventually ceased, but waves of emotion still shook her internally. Amy's words kept ringing in her head, partially disrupted by her own like a tragic, bittersweet symphony they could've both avoided if they hadn't been so afraid. Their actions have been driven almost entirely by fear all along – the fear of losing each other as best friends had somehow caused them to lose themselves along the way and consequently stray from each other every day since the beginning of this stupid lie. Spending almost a decade together, they didn't know how to define themselves without the other. They were like a package deal – Karma and Amy. It was _them_. It was natural, it was _right_ and they couldn't imagine it being any other way.

But that was before the lying, the cheating, the denial, the unintended pushing away of each other, the drunken and sober mistakes, the heartbroken letting go of the other that the torn blonde had to do in order to protect her heart from bleeding again. It was a selfless, mature decision that broke both of their hearts on Karma's birthday, but the redhead never let it show. She couldn't. She wasn't brave enough.

All along, however conflicted and morally reprehensible their actions were, they were driven by their common fear. They couldn't lose each other. Because no matter who came along, if at the end of the day they didn't have the other, they were alone.

Karma wanted the popularity, she wanted people's approval because having only Amy's approval was somehow not enough anymore, not when she felt so small and insignificant in a sea of strange faces. She wanted to be someone in that crowd, while also getting to hold her best friend's hand. She has always been insecure and having lived in an alternative style family, she's started craving the norm by all means – she wanted the cute boy, the fairytale life, the popularity.

Despite the accepting environment her parents tried to create, at the end of the day, she only wanted to be normal. She wanted to have the cake and eat it too – maintain that image with Amy and live the standard teenage girl's fantasy.

Wasn't that what she was supposed to want? Never along the way had she stopped to wonder why she craved those things. Was it because others expected her to want that and she only wanted approval, to walk within the lines like everyone else? A couple of earth-shattering, confusing and arousing dreams later, prompted by another confession, it turned out she didn't know herself as well as she thought she did.

She had a hunch the moment Amy first kissed her at homecoming, when she couldn't help but compare her with Liam in her head while it happened, noting the softness of her touch and the forceful way she grabbed onto her waist at first, attempting to prove a point, before relaxing and holding her carefully, like she was fragile and in dire need of protection.

Liam kissed her like the typical charmer wanting to score another conquest. It was nice, but it wasn't _their_ kiss – Karma Ashcroft and Liam Booker as one. It was his kiss with a quote unquote lesbian girl and her getting a taste of her teenage fantasy.

But she couldn't let herself dwell too much on those thoughts – she had a speech to return to and a crowd to convince. She couldn't let herself drown in Amy's revelation given away by her shocked, astounded and spellbound eyes fearfully locking with hers afterwards – because that would mean it would be her revelation too, and she was not ready to face it yet.

She didn't let herself have that revelation the second time either, when she realized, halfway through singing that the song she performed at the school protest was about her best friend.

She didn't let herself believe it the third time, when Amy kissed her again at the threesome – so slow and gentle, taking her breath away and causing a thunderstorm to rage in her heart. She's known Amy for so long but at that moment it felt like the first time they laid eyes on each other. It was _their_ moment and neither could deny it.

Even though she did a hell of a great job covering that up and burying it deep for God only knows how long. She did feel something, more than she thought was humanly possible – her thoughts were drowning in Amy, her body was melting before her touch, and her heart soared before her tender, assuring blue eyes.

It scared her half to death. And she ran away because that's what she does when she's afraid – she overcompensates. And who better to run to than Liam, the boy she had finally made to fall in love with her? She was too close. She had fulfilled her childhood dream. There was no use backing down now.

She didn't let Amy's heartbroken confession crack her mask of denial, despite her soul shattering with each guilty look Amy sent her way, each hesitation and awkward moment after. She cringed at her own past lies – she pushed Amy to move on so fast because maybe if she did, Karma could too. She could let go of something too risky that she hadn't even allowed to begin. She could avoid the heartache and the unnecessary complications. Or could she?

Because then the secret got revealed, bringing out the worst in both of them. Yet there she was – out of all places, in Amy's room once again, where she always ended up, no matter how confusing and dark her world got. They were two broken girls who needed each other more than ever, who had to work things out together, because they couldn't bear to be apart anymore.

Amy had always been the one to wear her heart on her sleeve and maybe it was time for Karma to finally do the same. After going through the aftermath of a complicated, tangled web of lies, it was high time for raw honesty.

" _I've been in love with you since the day we met."_

Karma was starting to wonder if she was the only one. Because that admission forced her to retrace her steps back to the very beginnings of their friendship. She reevaluated each of her interactions with Amy and the fact that the conclusions she's drawn scared the living daylights out of her compelled her to bury her most carefully hidden secret deep and go for sheer anger instead. It was easier to stay mad at Amy about Liam instead of addressing her confusing feelings.

Was it possible to be in love with someone for so long and not realize it? Come to think of it, Karma didn't know how to _not_ love Amy.

Maybe that's why she never processed that switch, why she only allowed it to affect her subconscious. For Amy, it took a single kiss. For her, it took letting go of a childhood fantasy, of what people expected her to be, it took nearly losing Amy to realize what had always been there, beneath the surface.

After everything they've been through, they're still here, in each other's arms, a heavy silence engulfing them both.

Karma's never been one for big words. But she couldn't lie to Amy anymore. Lies nearly tore them apart. Maybe the truth could bring them back together again. Through tear-stricken eyes, Karma hesitantly gazed upwards, emerald green locking with crystal blue. She reluctantly broke the hug and silently asked Amy for permission.

"Could we just.. lie down for a while?" – she asked, and the blonde nodded mutely. They both sat down on the bed like they have done so many times before, staring at the glowing stars on Amy's ceiling and reliving past nights when it was all easy. Karma was the one who rested her head on Amy's shoulder, the one who sought the closeness this time. It still hurt like hell. But being without Amy hurt even worse.

"You asked me if I trusted you.." – Karma whispered, and Amy's eyes shot open at the sound of her voice and fell upon her pale face, as if she was just waking up from a daydream. "It's going to take some time."

"I understand." – Amy replied, her voice dropping in resignation.

"I don't mean it like that, Amy.." – Karma cut in, hesitantly placing her hand on top of the blonde's. She flinched at first, but then relaxed and gently squeezed it. "I know we both hurt each other, but I'm not pulling away. I missed you. I mean, do you realize this is the most we've talked in weeks?" – Karma asked rhetorically, regret slipping into each word.

Amy let out a hollow, bitter laugh. As much as it pained her to admit it, it was true.

"I didn't want it this way." – she confessed.

"I know. "– Karma said, lifting herself up into a more comfortable position to get a good glimpse of the blonde's face. The way her features glowed in the dark under the stars, the vibrant blue of her eyes..Contemplating the image, Karma nearly lost her train of thought, but then Amy rubbed her forearm comfortingly, indirectly urging her to continue.

"Look, Amy.. I'm sorry too, for everything. We've both messed up and it will take some time to rebuild that trust as best friends but I..I do trust you with my heart."

Amy's expression turned softer around the edges, Karma's words soothing her, bringing her a feeling of peace and comfort she hasn't experienced in too long. She missed _this_. She missed _them_ and the way they've been before – painfully honest and transparent.

"You're the only one who ever really had it." – Karma's admission came, as she laughed nervously, concealing the pain and regret underneath. The regret of not coming to terms with it earlier and avoiding so much heartache and confusion. The regret of not taking a chance at the right moment.

Amy's eyes widened, her mouth opened several times, and her brain froze, hopelessly attempting to process her best friend's words and making some kind of sense of what she said. Her heart slammed against her ribs regardless – excitement and shock taking over. Her doubt was stronger, though. Before allowing herself to drown in happiness, she had to know. She needed to hear it from her.

"Do you mean that, Karma?" – the blonde asked, her voice so small Karma had to strain herself to hear her, even in the monumental silence of the room. "Because you don't have to..I mean, it's been a really crazy week and I understand if you—"

"No, I'm sure." – Karma said, the certainty in her voice surprising both of them. The blonde was rendered speechless and could only stare dumbly, no words leaving her parted lips. "I've always loved you, Amy. I just..didn't know how much until I nearly lost you." – she whispered tenderly, inching forward and slowly closing the distance between them.

Her gaze locked with Amy's glistening blue eyes, looking for reassurance, and the blonde gave her a tired, beaming smile, her hand dropping to her side and holding it protectively. She held her as gently as always and her lips were as soft and undemanding as Karma remembered.

She always kissed her like she was going to break and that's when Karma felt it – all along, Amy was the only one who knew how vulnerable she really was. And judging by the way Amy shivered under her touch, she could tell she was too. But she then gave in and melted before her, eagerly reciprocating, knowing that there was nothing in the world she wanted more than to be there, in that very moment, next to the only person who's ever been the centre of her world.

When Karma pulled away, Amy's eyes were still watery but, for the first time, she could finally see it all in that endless sea of blue staring back at her – unconditional love, support, acceptance and unspoken promises. Karma briefly touched her blonde strands of hair, admiring the way they beautifully framed her face, before cuddling next to her. Amy placed her hand around her waist, and, sensing her hesitation, Karma whispered words of encouragement in the quiet, somehow magical stillness of the night.

"If I promise not to go anywhere tonight, do you promise to stop crying like a baby?"

"I'll try." – Amy said, closing her eyes and allowing herself to simply _realize_. She contemplated everything that had led to this point, not quite able to fully grasp reality. She pinched herself and Karma noticed, giggling at her silly action and nudging her side in amusement.

"It's real." – Karma's velvety voice rang in her ear with its underlying reassurance, sending a shiver down her spine. Those were the last words she heard before drifting to sleep, lips curving upwards unconsciously as the night wore on. Little did she know – Karma fell asleep with a smile on her face too.


End file.
